First things first, I’m fine. No worse for wear unless it’s possible to die of annoyance, in which case I’d better start embroidering my funeral shroud.

So, yes, I’m fine but my car isn’t, on account of somebody bashed into it this week.

And in the approximately 1,842 subsequent hours I’ve spent on hold with various insurance companies and rental car companies and body shops, I’ve had a lot of time to think. Specifically, I guess the first police officer who reported to the scene didn’t need to know I had three pineapples on my back seat.

I think in times when the unexpected isn’t happening and everything is status quo, I tend to congratulate myself for being calm in the face of crisis — the port in a storm, if you will. Heck, I’ve even said as much in job interviews: “I keep a level head. When the asteroid strikes, I will remember to grab the keys and wet wipes.”

It is fortunate the hiring committees could never see me deal with, say, a bird flying into my house, which in the past has involved running in circles, flapping my arms wing-style, swallowing more than a few shrieks and pleading. With a bird.

Until the point of impact, I always think I’m going to be the rational one. The reliable source. The expert witness.

And then the verbal tsunami.

This is my go-to response in the face of the unexpected and not necessarily great.

For example, when I broke two toes playing beach volleyball, I informed the nurse in the emergency room that I’d had three eggrolls for dinner. I can’t imagine why I thought she needed to know this, but boy I told her.

So, when the police officer showed up to where I and the person were parked, I had one overarching thought: I must provide all the details. ALL OF THEM.

When it was my turn to give my version of events, I drew a deep breath and braced myself.

“Well. I was driving northbound in the easternmost lane — except wait, there’s a merge lane that ends at the top of the hill, so I was not in the easternmost lane, I was in the second-to-easternmost lane. I had just been to the store to buy pineapples, which I plan to dehydrate because it’s much better when you do it yourself, no added sugar, you see, and had positioned myself strategically in the second-to-easternmost lane knowing I would need to turn right in approximately half a mile so I could go to the library. I have an overdue book and I got a first notice about it, which is shameful, I’m a much better library patron than that.

“I was driving approximately 20 miles per hour on account of I was going up that hill and my car, bless its heart, isn’t exactly zany with pep. Zero to 60 on the calendar, if you see what I’m saying. But winds or crosscurrents weren’t a factor as far as I’m aware. As you can see it’s a temperate day. I saw (the person who hit me) come up in my rearview mirror and bam! It was very disconcerting. Though statistically the odds are not in my favor as a driver, you just don’t expect that to happen. I hope my pineapples are OK.”

I’m not going to beat myself up too much for the verbal onslaught, because I was coming down from a mighty adrenaline spike, but major shout-out to the tolerant and kind police officer who found meaning amidst the barrage.

In my time on hold, I’ve come to see the over-explaining as a way to establish parameters around a situation that is defying my control. Maybe I will find the right combination of words to make sense of it all and put everybody else in my mind to see what I saw! Maybe God, rather than the devil, will be in the details!

In reality, I usually just end up with semi-mystified audiences, but I feel better! I’ve made as much sense of this as I can!

It was the same when Hurricane Wilma totaled my car with, among other things, airborne coconuts. I figured the insurance adjustor flown to Florida from North Dakota to help deal with all the storm damage would appreciate that sub-tropical detail.

So, my car is in melancholy shape and stuff’s kind of a hassle right now, but I can rest assured that I did my part. I did my best. I did right by those pineapples.

Rachel Sauer is at rs81501@gmail.com and would like the police officer to know that in addition to pineapples, she also bought a bag of flour at the store, but it’s trapped in the trunk right now.

Heavy thunderstorms early, then variable clouds overnight with still a chance of showers. Gusty winds and small hail are possible. Low 53F. Winds ESE at 10 to 20 mph. Chance of rain 90%.

Partly cloudy skies. Low around 50F. Winds ESE at 5 to 10 mph.

Clear skies. Low 49F. Winds E at 5 to 10 mph.

Clear skies. Low 49F. Winds E at 5 to 10 mph.

A mostly clear sky. Low 49F. Winds ESE at 5 to 10 mph.

Clear skies. Low 49F. Winds ESE at 5 to 10 mph.

A few clouds. Low near 50F. Winds ESE at 5 to 10 mph.

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